Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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