checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
