a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it glows. i had to have it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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