I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
