I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
