When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
