You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
