You're a womanizer and a bitch.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
