I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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