yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
