For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
3 2 1 whiskey
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
