I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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