You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
