I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
