we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Let's paint friendship bongs
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
