Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
