Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
