I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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