Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
