hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
