I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
