im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you guys were way drunker than both of me
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
