True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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