"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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