Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
