if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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