just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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