Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
