that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Who died my cat blue again?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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