He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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