her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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