There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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