I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This house was built for laser tag.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
