Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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