Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
