I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
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Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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