I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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