I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
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And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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