We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's blow job season.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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