I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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