Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
