So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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