I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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