I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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