I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
