I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's just like the Real World with babies
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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