I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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