I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
