hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
