I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
