The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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