I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
