She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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