Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
