I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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