I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
