Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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