So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
