Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
