don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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