between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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